Relationship Tips

This probably happens to too many men and women trying to get their ex back.

Your ex tells you he or she is not ready to get back together just yet but suggests that the two of keep in touch as friends and see where things go. So you are emailing or talking regularly and you feel that you’re engaged in each other’s lives once again. You’re not back together but communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. You’ve even talked about being open and honest with each other, because you value each other’s friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.

Your ex told you he or she was going out with friends but yet he or she was out on a date. You’re livid. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn’t he or she just tell you the truth? Do you just keep quite and pretend nothing is bothering you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business who your ex goes out on a date with? Should you confront him or her about his or her lies?

Now, most people would tell you “just get rid of the liar”. If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I’d say “lose the loser” too.

But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you he or she was out on a date with someone else.

1. The most obvious one is your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he or she genuinely cares about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.

2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about his or her date with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and he or she wasn’t ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.

3. Your ex thinks it’s none of you business. You’re not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like he or she is cheating on you.

But if you’re hoping to get back together, shouldn’t being honest and open be something you both want?

I believe so! I also believe that you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.

Whatever you do, do not accuse your ex of lying by omission. Accusing someone of lying especially if he or she doesn’t think he or she did something wrong is like running against a wall really fast — head first! For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.

My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. The use of an open, direct, non-confrontational, non-antagonistic and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial back-ward looking approach.

It’d sound something like this: “You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs but look at us, we’re still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we’re not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?

People are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you’re focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people approached this way will likely face up and admit that they did actually go out on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.

Listen without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response, “I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?”

This approach may at first seem like you acted “weak”, but a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.

First of all, you’re being totally honest; second of all, you’re non-threatening and non-confrontational; thirdly, you’re telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again; fourthly, you’re telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person he or she broke up with; and fifthly, you got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.

Cooperative team work is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that binds two people together.

This is just an example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. What’s important is that you phrase your cooperative solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits your personality, but keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, he or she’ll counter attack and force you to back off, and you’ll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry.

Remember to always end with a cooperative-seeking question. Your goal is not to “win” but to reach an agreement both of you can keep — and move things forward.

But it’s not just about the approach, the most important thing is the state you are in — mentally and emotionally and of course the groundwork you’ve laid up to this point. It helps a lot if you’re working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and keep them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes all the difference between constructive dialogue and a fight

Researchers in the United States say men and women have dramatically different attitudes to the first kiss of a new relationship.

The scientists say while men consider the kiss is just a means to an end, for women it is a crucial element in finding a partner.

Gordon Gallup is a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Albany.

He has been asking more than 1,000 students about their attitudes to kissing and has just published his findings in the Evolutionary Psychology Journal.

“Most of the women in our survey wouldn’t think of having sex with somebody without kissing them, but most of the males would be more than happy to skip the kissing and go straight to sex,” he said.

He say it’s not just the first kiss where there are clear differences in attitude between men and women.

“It turns out that males tend to kiss as a means to an end, males tend to kiss as a way of trying to gain sexual favours, and also to attempt reconciliation,” he said.

“Females, on the other hand, not only use kissing to assess prospective mates, but females that are in committed relationships use kissing to update the status of their relationship with their committed partner.”

It turns out that despite all the romance, there’s some basic science behind kissing.

“The exchange of complex information that occurs during a kiss, in terms of olfactory cues and chemical cues and tactile cues and postural adjustment, may tap into primitive, evolved mechanisms that make a determination about instances of potential genetic incompatibility,” Professor Gallup said.

He says the bottom line is that a good kiss doesn’t make a relationship, but a bad kiss can kill a relationship.

So hopefully by know you have managed to strike up a love  conversation and have managed to keep her somewhat engaged. Well Done! If you have failed to get off the starting block than be sure to read my article on ‘the Approach’, before continuing with this article. So now you are probably asking yourself ‘What do I do know?’ this is where most guys or men  go wrong, and the reason for it is that they have no plan, or even worse they have no goal in mind. What is it that you wanted to achieve from approaching this girl? Seems basic, but you need to start with the end in mind. If you have no goal then you have no direction and that means no strategy, and ultimately no result.

The most important thing you must do is decide what it is that you want to accomplish from talking to women. Is it a date? Is it flirty conversation? Is it a phone number? Is it a one night stand? If you don’t know where you are going then you will never get anywhere. So, well before you have even left the comfort of your home you must know what is that you are after. By having a clear goal in your head you can naturally direct the conversation in order to lead to the goal.

Lets assume our goal is to get a phone number, we now must have a strategy that is in line with the desired outcome which is…her number. That strategy will include many things but first and foremost you must build Rapport. This is the key to getting everything you want and learning this skill takes time, but it involves many factors; the tone of your voice, posture, facial expressions etc. but as a rule of thumb, be confident and smile, show your intentions (not all your intentions). Ask questions about her and remember to listen attentively. Nod your head when you are in agreement and use words like ‘amazing’, ‘fascinating’, and continue to probe into her world. Women like to talk about themselves and they love men that listen…really listen. Try and find things that you can associate with and ask her more questions about it. Don’t interrogate, just be curious. If you have similar interests then comment about your experience, but keep it short and focus back on her.

Match her tone and body language by mirroring her moves. Don’t be a copycat but if she talks slowly, then talk slowly, if she is loud, then be loud. It will make her naturally feel at ease and open up to you. Remember that 80% of communication doesn’t even come from your mouth! Everything you are doing with your hands, your face, your body is sending signals. If you do these things your conversation will flow and she will begin to feel comfortable with you. Always remember to keep the end in mind…your goal!

Be complimentary, and be bold. A woman wants a man who knows what they want so make sure you are leading the conversation at all times and don’t go off telling her how great you are and about how wonderful your job is, she wants to talk about her, so focus and listen. Be sure not to over welcome your visit, as she may have friends who also want her attention, so get ready to make your move.

The final part is simple, you just have to ask the question. If you have done all things right their can only be one result…a successful one. You can set up the question by excusing yourself , something like,’I will let you get back to your friends, but before I do, could you just type your number into my phone? That’s it! Hand her your phone with a smile and do not say anything more. You must let her take what she has heard and make the next move. If you stumble or if you fail to say it with conviction or belief then it will not work. Be confident and ask the question. You will be amazed!