Relationship Tips

We have often heard the old proverb “birds of a feather flock together”. While this idea was around even before psychology became a subject, George Mead was one of the first social thinkers to propose a theory of the “self”. The basic idea was that the individual existed only in the context of a group. Ironically, we become individuals through our relationships with others. There are those who are close to us (significant others) and the faint acquaintances and strangers (generalised others).

Our relationships with our significant others tend to satisfy our needs more than our relationships with anyone outside of that group. The opinions and attitudes of our in-group tend to have a greater impact on us. Within the significant others, an intimate romantic relationship is typically at the apex. People expect to have the majority of their needs fulfilled in such relationships.

Intimate relationships tend to reveal who we are by reflecting our deepest fears, needs and desires. As a relationship grows in intimacy, it reflects our innermost realm increasingly. Relationships thus act as mirrors by facilitating greater self-understanding. Even from the outset, the type of people we seek as life partners reveal a great deal about our preferences, priorities and values. Then during the relationship, how we respond to and treat our partners would be determined by how developed and assured we are.

The process of projection is critical to understanding why relationships act as clear mirrors. When we project our feelings and desires onto another person, we tend to interpret that persons actions or behaviour in light of our latent needs. Dr. Gary Smalley discussed this at length in “The DNA of relationships”. Our feelings – about what our partner does or who our partner is should be fully-owned by us.

We should not blame our partner for how we feel. Our partner cannot make us angry, disappointed or hurt. This may seem difficult to understand at first, but it is reality. How we respond to our partners – and their behaviour or actions – is based on who we are. If we are constantly feeling negative emotions, it reflects that some our needs or expectations are not being met. Anger, for example, is viewed as a secondary emotion. The initial emotion tends to be fear or hurt. Anger is a defence mechanism such that when we are angry, it reveals more about ourselves than the stimulus that makes us angry.

The interaction we have with our partners are typically relate to needs, known or unknown, which are being met or left unfulfilled. Initially, the type of partners we seek, tend to reflect our personal values and priorities. We tend to seek the qualities that we believe would help us to meet those needs, make us content or complete us.

Sometimes, we get caught in a blame game that does not allow us to realise our own contribution to relationship problems. We blame the other person and claim that the other person is “too needy” or “too demanding” for example. We fail to acknowledge the fact that the partner may not be perceived as such in a previous or future intimate relationship with someone else. Since we cannot remove ourselves completely from the picture, it is logical to conclude that much of what occurs in an intimate relationship is, at the very least, a part-reflection of ourselves.

If we continue to grant power to our significant others, they would continue to reflect the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like or wish not to be reminded of. Only when we reclaim this power, something Dr. Gary Smalley refers to as the “Power of One”, we would be less bothered by the things that our partner may do (unless what your partner does is fundamentally insidious). The undeniable fact is that our selection process and relationship-handling abilities reveal a lot about the hidden or innermost aspects of ourselves.

By Darrell Victor