This probably happens to too many men and women trying to get their ex back.
Your ex tells you he or she is not ready to get back together just yet but suggests that the two of keep in touch as friends and see where things go. So you are emailing or talking regularly and you feel that you’re engaged in each other’s lives once again. You’re not back together but communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. You’ve even talked about being open and honest with each other, because you value each other’s friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.
Your ex told you he or she was going out with friends but yet he or she was out on a date. You’re livid. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn’t he or she just tell you the truth? Do you just keep quite and pretend nothing is bothering you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business who your ex goes out on a date with? Should you confront him or her about his or her lies?
Now, most people would tell you “just get rid of the liar”. If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I’d say “lose the loser” too.
But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you he or she was out on a date with someone else.
1. The most obvious one is your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he or she genuinely cares about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.
2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about his or her date with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and he or she wasn’t ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.
3. Your ex thinks it’s none of you business. You’re not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like he or she is cheating on you.
But if you’re hoping to get back together, shouldn’t being honest and open be something you both want?
I believe so! I also believe that you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.
Whatever you do, do not accuse your ex of lying by omission. Accusing someone of lying especially if he or she doesn’t think he or she did something wrong is like running against a wall really fast — head first! For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.
My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. The use of an open, direct, non-confrontational, non-antagonistic and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial back-ward looking approach.
It’d sound something like this: “You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs but look at us, we’re still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we’re not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?
People are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you’re focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people approached this way will likely face up and admit that they did actually go out on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.
Listen without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response, “I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?”
This approach may at first seem like you acted “weak”, but a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.
First of all, you’re being totally honest; second of all, you’re non-threatening and non-confrontational; thirdly, you’re telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again; fourthly, you’re telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person he or she broke up with; and fifthly, you got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.
Cooperative team work is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that binds two people together.
This is just an example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. What’s important is that you phrase your cooperative solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits your personality, but keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, he or she’ll counter attack and force you to back off, and you’ll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry.
Remember to always end with a cooperative-seeking question. Your goal is not to “win” but to reach an agreement both of you can keep — and move things forward.
But it’s not just about the approach, the most important thing is the state you are in — mentally and emotionally and of course the groundwork you’ve laid up to this point. It helps a lot if you’re working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and keep them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes all the difference between constructive dialogue and a fight
